Being new to the idea of cuckolding as well as desirous to please Nick, I’ve spent the last few days trying to find, what I understand is called The Bull in a cuckold relationship. Or, the man who will be the object of my desire as I fulfill Nick’s fantasy of me with another man.
Admittedly, I don’t fully-understand his desire to share me, though we’ve talked about it, fantasized, even role played. As any of you who have been following this blog know, our pursuance of cuckolding has been ongoing for a few months now. (See my previous two blogs, here and here.) Nick is patient and always reminds me that he doesn’t want me to do anything I’m not ready to do. He’s even sent me links to a couple of informative blogs: Incidental Hotwife and Goddess Caroline. So, I inch forward, curious myself of the eroticism of cuckolding.
Some of you are probably saying, “
Good grief, Fuck! Just get on with it!”
So, in the last few days, I’ve been playing around with one of many free online dating services. I have posted the barest of profiles. (No, that doesn’t mean naked pictures.) I’ve told the virtual world a little tiny bit about myself, and posted a picture of my hand holding flowers. And, I mentioned that I was interested in casual sex.
You see, I border on being a bit paranoid. Of what? Well, there’s the worry of what kind of men are out there looking for casual sex. Then, there’s the fear of getting caught. No, not by Nick. He obviously knows (and is turned on by) what’s going on. I’m paranoid of getting caught by my kids! Yes, my kids. Because you see, I’m a normal person. But I AM stepping outside of my sexual comfort zone. Or in other words, bringing to life some of the fantasies I’ve had for decade(s) now. Yes, I’m also older. Not in my twenties. Not in my thirties. (And that’s as far as I’ll go.) Anyway, my point is, this is the LAST thing kids want to know about their mom.
So, back to my search for a bull. I am amazed at how many men will reply to a bare-bones profile, no photo of the woman. They only reply presumably because it says I’m interested in casual sex.
I’ve gotten dozens and dozens of emails. Of course, any reply I make has an explanation of my cuckolding venture. I may be sexually outside of the “norm,” but I’m honest. Most men are pretty excited to hear my explanation that Nick wants me to have sex with another man, no strings attached.
What?? She wants to have sex, with no strings attached?
But before they progress further, they do want to see photographs of me. After all, they have standards, too. This really is an adventure, because in response to my story and photographs, a few have sent pictures of their cocks. One man also said he had a girlfriend who was open to an open relationship and she’d probably like to lick my pussy. Please. No. At least not yet.
You see, even casual sex needs a little wooing before I’ll hop into the sack, even if it’s the virtual sack. Maybe I’m spoiled.
Finally, I have begun communicating with about four men that I am interested in. They are titillated (don’t you love that word) by the idea, yet they are respectful and let me take it at my own pace.
I have set a date for Wednesday. We’ll meet at a Wine Bar, and it will be my first date with a man who knows up front that although we’ve agreed to get to know one another, maybe even just be friends, that in all honesty, he’s being interviewed for the position of The Bull.
We’ll see. In the mean time, even if we don’t progress any further, I’m getting turned on by the fact Nick is so turned on by this interview process.
Stay tuned . . .
The question has come up a lot: “What turns you on about being cuckolded?”
When I hear that question, I often hear disbelief. The questioner really wants to ask, “How in the world could that possibly turn you on?” It’s so contrary to so many beliefs we have about love, monogamy and sex on both personal and cultural levels that it’s difficult to believe it could be a turn on.
I hear that skepticism Elise’s voice sometimes, as though she can’t really wrap her head around the idea that it turns me on to see or know she’s had sex with another man.
So without further ado let me tell you my answer
It turns me on because . . . it does. Tah-dah!
Some people love to eat squid, others love tornados and still others love swallowing swords. I love being submissive to Elise, and adore the submissive feeling I get when she cuckolds me. Period.
It’s been a fantasy most of my life. An intense fantasy. When I was a teen I teased my adorable high school girlfriend about giving another guy a blow job. She never actually did. (Well, not that she ever told me.) But the idea really got me going.
So here’s what happens to me when Elise plans a date and cuckolds me.
First the feelings are extremely intense. The intensity may not be much different from an addict’s feeling as he scores a hit or an alcoholic as he hauls a case of wine out to his car, or in a more positive way no different from the rush of a mountain climber as he starts up a new peak, or a restaurateur the night of opening a new restaurant. The dopamine flows, anticipation rises, excitement mixes with anxiety and question after question comes up as my imagination goes into overdrive.
My mind quickly fills with pictures of Elise with another guy. This is the delicious part, the anticipation. There’s even a sense of disbelief. Will she do it? And how will she do it, if she does? Where will they go? Home to our bed? How does she touch him? How does he touch her? What is said? Or not said? All I can do is ruminate about her lovely touch and the spark in her eyes and how wet she might get.
It’s an elevated sense of excitement mixed with a sense helplessness—though I’m not helpless in reality—that leaves me quivering in a deeply submissive space. I look forward to reuniting, to seeing her again.
There’s a scene at the end of the movie Eyes Wide Shut where Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman are in a department store. Throughout the movie Tom Cruise is obsessed with images of his wife being with another man. Early in the movie, she’d described having sex with this man. He can’t let go of the image.
As the movie comes to an end, she says to him, “One thing I know is that we need to fuck.” She suggests this matter-of-factly that the resolution to Tom’s worries is sexual union.
When Elise cuckolds me, it undoes assumptions I make about her desire, tips over our neat little apple cart, and separates us for a time. Another man enters her. And while we have rules and limits and I know she loves me, her cuckolding has a built in, if not sharp tease, a message, “Don’t be so sure, Boy,” that breaks the status quo.
So where does all that adrenaline go? When she starts talking about or makes a date, the surge of feeling I get instantly raises my desire for her, feelings which in the past I may have taken for granted, or not been comfortable feeling or at least expressing. It brings them quickly and intensely to the surface. I want to pursue her, tell her I love her, make the bed, get her flowers, write her a poem, savor her and us, but mostly I want to hold her tightly.
But I can’t. I have to wait. I have to live in the not knowing, the separation, the vulnerability, and stay in it, raw and opened, waiting for her to say to me in some way, “We need to fuck.” Waiting for her to return, to come back. The vulnerability is like laying my balls on an iron anvil for her to smash.
Elise, doesn’t smash them. In fact, the times she’s had a date, she returns to me with this luscious leer and kisses me deeply. She fucks me or let’s me fuck her, often strong and rough. The intensity is incredible. And, in a loving though stern and dominant way, she usually grabs my balls and squeezes them roughly.
I sense a power in her that’s different from how she usually is and that turns me on. Maybe it’s a projection or just some romantic notion on my part. But in some ways she comes back to me a little more whole and independent, stronger and assured.
When we reunite, all is well and very heated up between us. I can’t wait to hear the story.