Nick and I aren’t too different from each other in what we enjoy sexually. We both love sex, love it even more with each other. We vary some in the degrees of BDSM we’re comfortable with–kind of like hardness settings on a Tempurpedic mattress. Nick likes his hard, I like mine a little softer. But, we’ve managed to compromise well.
Nick loves to be cuckolded. Like he told me last night, it’s like a potent drug for him. Just a little bit goes a long way. And though I don’t completely understand it, I’ve stepped outside of my comfort zone to give it a try. The “walk” along this new path has been a balancing act for me, and I’ve teetered between feeling immensely turned on by sex with another man, and knowing how much it turns Nick on. There’s a lot of satisfaction in feeling that I’ve given him a kind of gift.
So, what’s on the other side of that tightwire? Feeling like a slut. Wondering how, if Nick truly loved me and cherished me, he could not only want to see me with another man, but get turned on by the thought of it.
Still, I’ve wobbled along, basically okay with it, because I felt it brought us so intimately close in our vulnerability. It was something the two of us shared–almost like an adventure to a foreign land, where at least I was slightly fearful, but excited for what I might learn about myself along the way.
It’s why I started this blog–to share what Nick and I have both learned through our sexual intimacy. And, I felt safe here, because it’s anonymous.
You see, one of my greatest fears (and it’s a fear that’s always, always in the back of my mind) is that one day my children will find out about this secret life I’ve been living. Worst of all, that they’ll find out after I’m gone and can no longer defend myself. I hear so many news stories of people’s computers being analyzed, for whatever reason, after their deaths, with the discovery that the person was living a whole different life from what most believed.
Sometimes I chastise myself, not for leading two different lives, but for not being able to be authentic about the life that I live “under the covers.” And, I fear that it irritates Nick, either because he finds nothing to be ashamed of, or because society (of which I’m a part) can’t accept all sexual persuasions.
But, the bottom line is, society can’t accept what’s “out of the norm.”
The thing is, I could keep the fear of discovery at bay, when I thought it was “our little secret.”
Last night, he told me he’d mentioned the fact that I’d cuckolded him to two former sexual partners. True, they were primarily virtual sexual partners, but that didn’t really matter to me. As he knew, I hadn’t even mentioned the cuckolding to my closest friends.
The panic and hurt I felt inside was a paradigm shift. I hope it’s not a shift that will last beyond the discomfort of our conversation last night. But for now, I feel the urge to shut everything down, including this blog. And so, I’ve made it private for now. Only Nick and I can see it.
I truly believe that anything goes sexually, as long as it’s between two consenting adults. That doesn’t mean I’m comfortable telling the world about it, nor do I believe it’s a necessity. I felt some safety and a lot of intimacy, sharing the bounds beyond my comfort zone with Nick. I felt safe and very close to him. It was all okay, as long as it was kept between the two of us.
Last night, my eyes were opened, the veil or rose-colored glasses were removed. However you want to say it, somehow, the fear that I’d kept pushed back rose up like a monster. I was afraid, hurt and therefore angry. But, I didn’t want to be. Though I thought Nick knew my need for privacy, my feelings that I wanted our sex to be OUR sex and shared only between us, he thought it would be okay to share his happiness about our compatibility with friends. I can understand that, and so, I fought my anger toward him.
I’ve asked myself if it’s jealousy. Maybe a little, but I think I would have been just as hurt if he’d shared that information with male friends. It’s more that I wanted it to be kept between us.
As I do so often, I tried to minimize my feelings, tell myself I’m being over-sensitive. But, it is what it is. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to want what we have to be ours and ours alone.
Still we had a serendipitous moment and learned something about each other and ourselves last night. And that’s a good thing.
When I cuckolded Nick, just before “the act,” I sent him a text that said, “Going silent.” It meant that whatever was going to happen between the Bull and me, was going to be between the Bull and me, at least until Nick and I were together again.
It’s the same with this blog. I’m going silent. Whatever happens between Nick and me stays between Nick and me. At least until we’re all together again.