With each smack of the paddle, she had me recite these words several times, “You are not mine, Mistress. I don’t own you.”
We had argued the night before about an email from an ex-boyfriend, and after awhile, I finally confessed to her that I’m possessive. I really didn’t think I was that possessive, but events of the past three weeks reminded me that in some ways I am very possessive and very much inclined to want to control.
Here are three thoughts I have about why I feel so possessive:
1) I am closer emotionally, sexually and physically to Elise than I’ve ever been with a woman. I’ve been head-over-heels, crazy in love with her since the start of our relationship, a year and a half ago. When we are connected, I’m buoyant, happy, contented, soaring with sexual excitement or the pleasure of release. When we are not connected, I usually feel a slight anxiety, a need to get back to her. Our relationship is probably symbiotic, in the sense that I am dependent upon her for a great deal of my day-to-day happiness, and dependent upon her for the deeper more intoxicating exhilaration that comes from being her submissive and her cuckold boy.
2) The second reason I am so possessive is because Elise is a great catch for me. She’s an excellent writer and artist, she’s open-minded, intelligent, kind, affectionate, physically beautiful, likes to laugh, sensual and enjoys D/S play as I’ve described. The latter is no small issue for me, as in both of my previous marriages, neither of my wives ever engaged themselves in D/S play and both stopped being sexual. I turned to porn and cheated in both relationships to get my sexual needs met. Elise is kinky. She likes to play and I think that makes me all the more possessive of her. She’s a great catch.
3) The third reason I am possessive has to do with not really knowing where Elise stands at times. She has a difficult time saying “no,” to others, as well as to me. There are times when I’m hoping to connect, filled with anticipation and she’s not available. I’ve learned that at times she’s said “yes” when she really wanted to say “no.” This has left me feeling a little unstable and sometimes missed, left out. How could she not have known how crazy I was to hear back from her? I think a lot of this is the result of my world being a little more filled with her than her world is filled with me. I don’t mean that in any way as a measure of commitment. She has more friends and family she’s connected to than I am. And hey, I’m her submissive boy. And though in the real world we are equals, I’ve asked for this in some ways. A good submissive waits for his Mistress.
As much as my feelings may be hurt when I feel missed, I would never want to harm Elise’s sense of independence. It gives me room to feel my desire, to let it grow, and for my chastity to chafe a little. I want to foster her strength and genuineness and I’m sure not going to do that by whining when she doesn’t call when I expect her too.
So I hope Elise and I can work on this together. I hope she can be strong at times and say “Hey, buddy boy, bend over for another spanking. I’m not yours. You don’t decide what I do or who I see or when I see them.”
Those words make me quiver, and remind me to keep on walking through my possessiveness because I believe the more I can let go, the more our love will open to wider expanses, and to a more genuine, deeper trusting commitment.