When Nick and I first started thinking about making our cuckold fantasies real, he had a hard time understanding why, if I could cheat on my ex-husband, I had any discomfort with cuckolding. I even asked myself why I wouldn’t be thrilled with the opportunity to have sex with other men, and be able to be out in the open with Nick about it.
Recently, I’ve also had a discussion with a FetLife ((I’m Elise-Sanders on FetLife) friend on this topic, so I’ve thought a lot about it. Here’s what I wrote to my friend, which pretty much follows along with how Nick and I have discussed it, too:
Nick and I have talked a lot about the difference between an affair and a cuckold. There was a time when he thought the two were the same, and he didn’t understand why, if a woman can have an affair, she wouldn’t be comfortable cuckolding. (We had this discussion when we were talking about whether or not to make cuckolding real. He didn’t understand why, if I could have an affair, I’m not comfortable cuckolding.)
It’s an excellent question, and one that perhaps you’ve asked yourself with regard to your wife’s affair. Here’s what I told Nick, and I can only speak for myself, but I wonder if it’s the same for many women:
What drove me to have my affair was a need for something that I wasn’t getting from my husband, whether it was physical or emotional intimacy, or acceptance for who I was, etc. The affair was mine. Well, mine and the other man’s. My ex-husband played no part in it, and in fact, I think it comforted me to have my own little world with this other man-a world that didn’t include my ex-husband.
So, there’s the difference. As I see it, a primary part of the cuckolding fetish is for the woman to share everything with her husband, perhaps even humiliate him with the prowess of her lover. But the main thing is SHARING. If an affair is an escape, that’s the last thing the woman will want to do is share her private world, her escape, from perhaps the very thing she’s trying to escape from.
I also thought some more about it in the last few nights. If I’d had an affair on Nick that had been secret, but he somehow found out, whether I later admitted it or he found out on his own, I’d carry a lot of guilt about it. (Just as I still do about my affair in my previous marriage.) If the affair hurt him in any way, I don’t care how much he tried to convince me that cuckolding turned him on, I wouldn’t be able to do it without a lot of guilt and concern that it would remind him of my affair.
Worse yet, I would probably do it for him, because I’d feel I owed it to him because I had the affair. This, in turn, would cause a lot of internal resentment on my part. That’s a relationship-killer and it only grows inside. Believe me–I’ve experienced it.
Nick and I have played with cuckolding, both in real life and in fantasy, but I haven’t had an affair with Nick, which I think makes it easier. Still, as many have said in other writings on FetLife, real life cuckolding is different from fantasy.